I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
