Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
