Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
