I wish my penis had an off switch
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
