wanna go halves on a baby?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
