i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
