Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
