If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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