i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
