I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
