I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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