I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
