I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
