The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
