how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
