i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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