I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
