you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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