NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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