My liver just broke up with me...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
