Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
