I'm pants shitting drunk right now
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
