That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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