I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
