Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
