Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
