Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
