Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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