dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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