Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
