What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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