I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
