The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
