Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
