I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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