You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
