He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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