I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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