After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
