My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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