it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
