She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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