my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
