Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
