another moral hangover. fuck.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
