he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
