I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
