I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
