why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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