Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
