I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
